January 14th 2010

Ahh , so today was a pretty crappy day. Started off with a really bad headache and the great need to pass out. Sugar didn't help, sitting down, not effective. It just wouldn't disappear! On top of that, I've realized people are sort of super annoying. I hate the immature loudness which describes so many people I know. Gain some depth please ? There is more to life than boyfriends, sex, drinking, partying and drama. I would prefer some intellect now and them. Screaming in my ear and cutting yourself with a plastic spoon is stupid to me. If I'm talking, don't just start talking to me, wait till I'm done, I'll get to you and that's just plain rude. You can get peoples attention in other ways than being all over people, especially when your boyfriend is in the same room. I understand you're content with skipping all the time and spending all your time socializing, but then don't bitch at me because you're so behind. That's your own fault, put some effort in something that should actually be important to you. Please don't act like that makes you cool, because in my eyes, it really doesn't. Trying to destroy your I.D. tag to have the most destroyed one isn't something you should be proud of, it's actually highly unintelligent and just stupid, there should be other things you take pride in.

Falling in love doesn't happen with every boy you set your eyes on, you wont be in love the first day you start going out. you're abusing the word, taking away the meaning from it. I know my boyfriend is pretty amazing, but stop stealing everything from him,and then call yourself original. You'll never get up to his level. stop making a jerk of yourself. It's definitely not impressing anyone. Acting like a teritarial douche is stupid too, you can stop rubbing me and acting like a dick. One day you'll all regret the way you present yourself. You'll wish that you used your time for better more productive reasons, you'll wish you didn't fuck with everyone's boyfriend you'll wish you had respected yourself.I've seen children with more intellect and maturity that most of you. One of the best compliments Ive ever received, you're different than most of the grade tens. I may have my problems, and I handle them terribly, but that's nothing to the way you're all trying to hid your problems
.
Ive realized, or I'm facing the fact that I'm terrible with dealing with myself, I don't let ANYONE in too deep, and I never had. I'm scared I guess, and I even find it hard to admit that. I don't want to be, I dream of draining my soul out to you, but I can't. I'm trying, I'm trying to realize I'm not that bad of a human specimen, I'm not as stupid as Ive been told, and I could articulate my thoughts if i tried. It's a lot more work to look inside yourself and actually change than just telling yourself that you are what you want to become, when it's obviously a lie. I'm trying and it's hard, but I'm trying because I want to let you in. I want to be the person you want, the one you need, I don't want to hid anymore. I wish I could show you the poem I wrote, it was about courage, it was about you. You appeared from the darkness after I realized I had to stop running and face the it, confront it that I didn't want it and the fear chasing me into hiding anymore. I closed my eyes and felt the darkness run its hand through my hair, I took a deep breathe in, opened my eyes, and the darkness was gone and you were there, showing me there was no reason to hid that I had nothing to fear, that my courage would not go unrewarded. That it is a good thing to face and stand up to my fears, push outside of my comfort zone. The truth is I feel connected to you and more comfortable with you, I feel safe, i actually feel that you care for me, I hope I'm not wrong with that. You've never given me even one ounce of a reason not to give you my full trust, but you see it's hard. I'm trying, It's super scary, but I wish to see you standing there after I defeat my demons in the darkness. I hope to still be able to find the comfort in your arms. I told you you made me sadder today, it was because I realized I never want to lose you, I know you're something special, someone that I don't want to live without I'm scared I'm going to lose you. I'm scared I'm going to lose you if I open up and you don't like who I am. If you think my ideas are stupid, if you think I'm unintelligent, that I'm not who you wished I be when that wall came crashing down. I don't want to get hurt, okay, and I wish that my head could believe my heart but I always play it on the safe side. I fear the pain, I fear the tears, I fear the vulnerable state it puts me in. If I lost you, it wouldn't be that hard of a fall if the safety wall was still up, but then again the journey isn't as great. The experience is as true. Tears hurt. Deep state of self hate hurts. I've been trying to hide those feeling for a long time, so I never let myself get into my head either. Making situations into jokes hide the true emotions, I don't like showing to myself and others that I hurt, that I have fears, that I hate things about myself, that sometimes I have strong opinions and that they could sound stupid, or I couldn't find the words to articulate. I am as genuine as I let myself be, but I am a secret, I hate digging into the tunnels of my thoughts. I want to let you in and I'm going to. And if you leave, well I guess I'll learn my lesson, I'll learn that it was a mistake, or It could strengthen us and it could be one of the greatest things Ive ever done. I don't want distance in between us, I can never be as close as I want to be to you, and maybe this will help. I love you with all my heart, all my soul, and as I keep digging and searching within you and myself that love grows stronger, and it's time to have trust for once in my live. I'll always be yours no matter what, toss me aside but my heart is still yours. Love , a strong word, a strong feeling. Its a secret but I feel more complete with you, you`re my missing part, don`t think of me too corny. I`ll tell you another secret, I`m not perfect, I have a dark side, if you want inside, you need to know that I hurt sometimes too. But in my eyes you`re perfect, you`re faults make you who you are, and you learn from those, you know those things you don`t like about yourself.. I treasure those. Anyways I`m going to show you this, and I don`t think you want me rambling on anymore so I`m going to end here. I`m going to go pick up my phone call you, tell you to wake up, and tell you I love you.
Jorelle , you`ve given me a great reason to keep this heart beating.

I`ve totally rambled on from my original rant, but these things needed to be said, so whatever = P I feel better getting some of my thoughts out, the others, I`ll share latter, they hurt too, but I don`t think I can share those yet.