Today turned out to be a much more productive day, i suppose, and I'm glad for that. What I'm really happy about is that my t.a. is a math teacher, I need the extra help, and she'll pull those strings : ) I absolutely think she is a wonderful woman. Two more days of school? I'm glad it's coming to an end, a very short year, but the ends always seem to drag on.
Recap of school year?First day of highschool, first day in .. seven years that I was going to a new school, first time ever being in an environment like Carroll. I remember even before school started I had gotten my mother to take the bus route with myself and a friend so I would know where to go and wouldn't get lost on my first day, because then you would be the kid who got lost for school on the first day. I honestly did not know what to expect. I remember I actually got out of bed, no hesitation, and was actually looking forward to school, it was scary, but I was still excited to see some of the people I hadn't seen in a while, due to summer. So I jumped on my bus, nervous, the bus ride seemed to be a full hour and a half ( though it feels so much shorter now ). I wanted to get there quicker, but didn't actually want to go at all. We arrived at my friend Nish's stop and we ended up sharing our worries with each other. Off the first bus, waited for the next, so worried that we would get on the wrong twenty, there were so many! But we made it, during this time my best friend, Maddie, didn't know school started later that day and came extra early so she wouldn't be late, she had been there for a couple of hours and I was so excited to see her. The three of us stood there awkwardly, not knowing exactly what we should be doing, where we should be. I remember the first person I met at that school, an acquaintance of Nish's. Not necessarily a normal popular kid, but he sat there playing his guitar and was totally nice and friendly, that made me think, wow this is going to be a good year. Through the first week I memorized the school's intricate or rather confusing stair cases ( five floors , three stairwells, one goes to all floors , others skip floors ) Had started social dance, was meeting new people, making new friendships, and being a little less of a shy kid ( just a little). School became a routine, I still woke up happy in the morning, still came home telling every detail about my day to my mother. Still talked to as many people as possible, text inbox had to be emptied like crazy!
Drama started, boys got involved. First off, I had gone into highschool fresh out of a relationship, a relationship to this day i still wont admit I was more emotionally involved in than it seemed, or I led on. Truth be told, I had one of those I can't have him so I want him crush .. for a better part of the school year, and in the summer, I had my chance, nothing went wrong, and we ended up deciding friendship would be the way to go. Honestly, again I wont admit this, not my decision. So the night before high school, we hang hung out again, a reason why I wanted to go to school, he was in my ta. So in fact I was making new friends, still had my best friend, and this relationship turned friendship. SO flirting went on, obviously. I had told myself that I was going to start fresh, since obviously the majority of people didn't know me , I was recently single and I had my whole highschool career waiting for me. Secret, I had dreamed about it, a boy much better than what I had had before, Tall, blond - Bill Kaulitz hair, devilish, eyebrow pierced, Deep green eyes. NOTE : I'm not saying this is my dream boy, I honestly had dreams about him, His name was rock.. or Izzy I cant remember. ( fashioned after a mix of the sunset triplets I suppose ) He was older, skinny , and his whole house was red, his mother was a hair dresser, He and his mom lived in an apartment near the school, he brought me home and his mother told him I was the best thing he had and should keep me. End of dream, hopes of meeting him, it didn't actually happen. I had my fair share of guys who had a crush on me though, went out, had fun with them, honestly I wasn't being honest with myself, I still hadn't moved on, and I was still hanging out with my ex most of the time, the friendship flourished, every day he told me he still loved me, i told him to prove it, he risked things, I gave him a second chance. I never thought I was good enough for him, I would never eat, I wouldn't let him know who I really was, I would hide major parts of me from him. I did though try very hard in school to try to compete with how smart he thought he was. Things eventually turned into more abuse, and finally got to a breaking point where he messed with my bestfriend, crossed the line, i realized I was nothing special, he was still hung up on his ex and I would never be good enough. During this time I dealt with other boys who thought I was there girlfriend, missing the parties because I wasn't going to give up who I was to fit in. Ironically I didn't have to, though these friends partied , they didn't disclude me because I didn't. I remember during the warm months of school , we all hung outside, I remember the fun we had, the group was small, Big Duffy, Little Morgan, Fedora/hair boy, best friend and myself ( code names) , we had grass wars, not as lame as it sounded, it was just what I thought high school needed to be. Slowly that group got bigger, I got to know more people. I remember meeting whom to this day I consider one of my only real friends, he looked like a vampire, again, jealous, and a real vampire with fangs. I remember the drama that went around with him, there was a lot >.< , he had a girl friend, there were a couple of whore girls, that surprised me, and that let to the whole slutty girl problem of the year. I can say I don't think a single boy has cheated on his girl this year, but holy hell girls, keep yourself off of another boys mouth, its not attractive, not cool, it is just a low show of character, have some dignity, have some respect for yourself and the boy, remember , just a day ago when you said you " loved him". Also all the musical relationships. I still don't understand just dating everyone and anyone and you can't possibly love them all withing the first week of meeting them and dating them, I'm sorry things don't happen like that, even if sometimes its love at first site, it isn't always like that. Through the year I met my own impending doom ( I only say that because he's going to read this ) I found a new friend, who've I've stuck by ever since, I've gotten many "you're still with hims?" and the such, people relationships are supposed to last longer than two weeks .. I managed every month to stay on track with my work, I tried out drama, not for me, I tried out art, LOVE ART but the teacher is dumb, I still don't understand how friends only did three or four units a month .. to me I spent my time working half time, walking around the other half. Then second semester came, things started to change, I wasn't so happy or eager to wake up and go to school every morning, I realized I didn't have that close knit group of friends that I earned for, I realized that sometimes I went home crying for no reason, I realized I was growing up, and no one around me was able to connect with me on my level, or that's what it felt like anyways. I felt I had lost my bestfriend, that she didn't care for me anymore, she didn't want me, sometimes I still feel like that. I felt my boyfriend's past was something he still clinged to dearly to, that I still wasn't the one he wanted, that he still loved someone else, sometimes I still feel like that. I felt that My parents or brothers don't give a shit about me, that things would be better if I just left, and sometimes I still feel like that. I felt I couldn't deal with all of it anymore, I felt I wasn't what everyone wanted to be, that I wasn't good enough, in fact , hated myself, thought myself disgusting, but forced myself not to skip meals, but the binges came and went - and that still happens. I felt I had no one to talk to, I went to proffesional help, he made me bawl my eyes out multiple times, Made me miss my younger best friend, made me see myself in a different light, the only one whose words make me feel like I'm something worth fighting for. Times got better, times got worse, school work got done, tears came. Honestly, I've cried so much more this year than anytime in the past, I've grown, I've let down my guard only to get hurt, and hurt some more, and the hurt sticks, There have been amazing times to, and I Cherise those, and wish they would prevail. I've learned lots, I've met people who've changed my life, people who've changed my view. I'm still deathly shy, I'm still totally unconfident in myself, I still dance like a total fool when no one is looking, I still write for myself, though sometimes I make the writing public, I still imagine my stories, I still write about secret love, lust, hurt pain and the dark side of things, I still have dreams, I just have more/ different ones now. On that note I'm going to end things now, I hope this doesn't bore too much, I just hope it makes up for the lack of writing I've been doing. This year impacted my life greatly, and I will never forget it. NOTE : I'm not saying everyone is a whores. I've met some amazing people.
Day 05 - A picture of your morning
Jennifer wore her hair curly for the first time this school year, this is what I do every morning, sit there, listening to my i tunes, making myself look purdy ; )
The view outside my window this morning, gloomy , I know. It rained hard on my walk home, I had to take off my hood and my shoes so I could walk home in the rain and feel it. Weird, I understand.
Not taken this morning, but today, natural hair, no makeup or anything. I like it.
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