June 24th 2010

Sometimes things happen and people cry. Sometimes people don't understand the way that they act towards you can make you hate just about everything in your life. Not want to be here not want to be worth anything. Sometimes things seem to work out that way. It's like I put all my focus on fixing one issue in my life, and then there's the others, its like nothing ever works out in my favor. I'm always battling issues, this past week or so, after returning from my brother's wedding, I've had all my time and energy focused on this "issue" I wont say what it is, because I finally believe that scare is over, and its not something I'm proud of, or something I'll ever want to admit. Its got me thinking its time to make that change, even if its hard and its going to hurt. So its a understatement to say I'm sort of in a vulnerable state of mind right now. To top things off, it seems like one of the people who have always meant so much to me is starting to really not care. I know I should have been here more this week, but sometimes things get in the way, I know it isn't a good excuse but things happen. Its like she doesn't give a crap about me anymore. I've tried to deny the fact that we're slipping away, but it my mind we're still as close as we've always been, I still hold her on that pedestal, I still think of her a big part of my soul. I don't want to move away from that, but it seems like she already has. I guess I might just be jealous because she has a "new best friend" but it hurts like hell because its like I don't matter anymore. I've been through all of those best friend phases, been with her when her opinions of people have changed. Its like now even if I try to put in effort, its like nothing is going to happen, because I've been replaced. Because I don't matter anymore. The only person I have truly ever called a best friend has thrown me away, and that's something I just can't handle. I realize I might be over reacting, but no one can tell me my feelings are wrong, maybe they're justified, maybe there not. The truth is I don't want to loose the only true friendship I've ever known, the truth is I can't handle it. Back to the past, maybe, maybe not, I'd rather just pick up where we left off. I remember about this time last year, sitting on someones bed, bawling my eyes out because I was scared I was going to loose her, and I remember what she said, don't be silly, no matter where I am, who I'm around, who I hang out with, You'll always be my best friend. It hurts to think those words are over.